• The helping verb 'had' is rarely necessary. Keeping the action in the present is less confusing anyway.
• Use active voice. After the world falls in on page one of the story, the characters act.
• 'He said' or 'she said' is rarely needed. There are other ways to indicate who is speaking such as adding body language cues.
• Everybody hates adverbs. They indicate lazy writing – 'showing' and not 'telling' – which amounts to the kiss of death.

I plan to post Chapter 1 of Indemnity on the site once it's edited.