Search me O God and know my heart…

Search… Strong’s defines it as examine intimately, or penetrate. God shines His brilliant, all pervasive holiness into all the corners of my heart and mind. That’s unsettling, unnerving. When He does that here’s what He finds

• Hollow motives, times I’ve done what I “should” not because I wanted to, but because I figured I ought to. No joy.
• Failure to follow through, times I’ve known what God’s word says, but I’ve stopped short of full obedience. I skated by. I caved. I wimped out. No power.
• Self-centeredness, greater concern for myself, my comfort, my reputation than for God’s glory. No compassion.
• Despair, that ‘why bother- nothing’s every going to change anyway’ feeling. I give up or stop trying. No faith.

Those are the kinds of things that make me want to slink out of God’s presence. These are the things that Satan points out to me, to mock and accuse and defeat. God, however, redeems.

He knew what He was getting with me, and He declares without wavering, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you. Before you were born I sanctified you.” (Jeremiah 1:5) I am chosen, set apart for His purposes. He also knew exactly what was in my heart all along, before the search ever began.

So why make me go through this searching process? To bring me to a place of intimate trust. So that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that in spite of all that He finds, He loves me and He will never give up on me.

“We will show forth Your praise to all generations” Psalms 79:13

Some days you just have to praise God…

I was in a praise service Sunday evening with my whole family. Jon and I sang. Lauren played the piano and Alan gave his testimony. I’m sure Rachel will take her part soon enough. What a blessing to sit in church as a family! We received word today in the morning service about a family torn apart by suicide, about a family touched by the uncertainty of job loss, about another family devastated by catastrophic illness.

God doesn’t owe me anything, but yet He pours out blessings upon blessings. Friends, family, life and health… I don’t know why except that that’s just the way He is. Here’s an exercise I’ve done with the kids on occasion- Thank God right now for ten things you’ve never thanked Him for.

In no particular order:

1. Corrective lenses so I can see without getting a headache

2. Chocolate milk (the store-bought kind AND Nestle’s Quik)

3. Toothbrush (Could you imagine NOT having a toothbrush?)

4. Being able to read

5. Hearing my children laugh

6. An alarm clock, really. It means I’ve got something to do.

7. Medication (otherwise that tachycardia might just take off on me)

8. Getting to choose at the grocery store (Not only is there food there to buy, that’s safe, but I can get just about anything I can imagine.)

9. Leisure time (Jon and I – and the kids too – don’t have to work every waking moment just to eat.)

10. An office full of books

I don’t typically post on Wednesdays, but as part of Kelly Langston’s Authenticity Challenge, here we are. Each day I’m discussing what I believe is a key component to authentic faith and how I’m working on that in my own life.

On Wednesday mornings, I’m privileged to lead a ladies Bible study group and this week we looked at Psalm 78. The psalm details God’s interventions on behalf of Israel and their sins against Him in spite of it. In the middle of the Psalm are the words “For He remembered that they were but flesh”.

Frailty. It is common to all of humanity, but accepting it, even embracing it is unique among believers. I struggle with depression and have all of my adult life. It wasn’t until I admitted that this was something I couldn’t solve myself, that healing began. Grace and mercy in time of need became a daily reality rather than an abstract theological concept. I got real with my friends, and they’ve walked this road with me. It’s been bumpy at times. I’ve taken medication for 5 years and I’ve seen a psychiatrist and a therapist for close to 4 years now. Last week, my psychiatrist cut me loose. I’m managing well enough to go off medication. I still have quite a bit of work left with my therapist, but that’s another story for another day.

On Monday I mentioned that there is no place for shame in my life any longer, so frailty is nothing to be ashamed of. My weaknesses are just avenues for God to display His power and His strength. The more I acknowledge those weaknesses, the more He can work through them. However if I hide them, deny them or try to fix them myself, I tie His hands.

Frailty isn’t a justification for inaction. It’s a determination to persevere anyway. Just because I’ve owned one frailty doesn’t mean this is easy or even natural. I still fight it every chance I get. I don’t want to be “frail”. I do want to bring glory and honor to God. And frailty does just that. 2 Corinthians 4:7 explains “we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not us.”

Happy New Year! I wish you a healthy, fulfilling 2010.

I am very much a creature of scheduled habit. I hate surprises and I prefer things to go off the way I expect in the time frame I have reserved for them. (Now, I’m not so stiff that I can’t adapt to changes. I just prefer things that way. You understand.) The last few months, it’s been a challenge getting my posts up each day. So much so, that I missed quite a few. I had added a morning run during the summer and the return to homeschooling threw off that schedule of mine. I was running during my study time, so then I was studying during my blogging time. The blog didn’t get done.

This morning, I read Psalm 119:112  I have inclined my heart to perform Your statutes forever, to the very end. (NKJV) In the CEV, it reads I have made up my mind to obey your laws forever, no matter what. See that resolve, that commitment! I always find time to do those things I am totally committed to. The question is, what will those things be? That’s my project for today- determining where I should spend my time and energy.

God has a plan for this upcoming year so my first test is making sure my goals are inline with His. I have to watch out for my health and I have to take care of the ones He’s entrusted to me. I want my marriage to thrive. I have responsibilities managing the household. I’ve taken on obligations, like doing science with the grade schoolers and various church offices each with duties associated with it. Then there’s writing. It is truly the most fun, most challenging, most gratifying thing I have ever worked at. I will be prayerfully considering each of those areas. What am I doing right? Where do I need to make changes? What needs to go completely? Is there something I should add?

Jon is working on something similar right now. He’s finding he’d really like to have a business, and he’s got a few ideas. He’s also really like to be teaching on marriage and family. Maybe that’s the direction God has for us and my goals will start coming in line with that. I’ll let you know.

What about you? Where do you spend most of your time and energy? What goals and dreams do you have?

Scripture written by folks long ago and far away can sometimes seem detached from us in the here and now. However, God is timeless and His word reaches across the years and speaks to our situations. With some passages, it takes a little personalization during your quiet time to see it. The Psalms are a great place to start. Many of them are written in first person. My son has had a rough year in school and has latched on to Psalm 56. It’s a great first person psalm about being hassled by enemies all day long. It includes “In God I have put my trust; I will not be afraid.   What can man do to me?”

Other Psalms can be converted- I read Psalm 66 recently, and changed the ‘our’ pronouns to ‘my’ pronouns in my mind.
Who keeps [my] soul among the living,
And does not allow [my] feet to be moved.
For You, O God, have tested [me];
You have refined [me] as silver is refined…
[I] went through fire and through water;
But You brought [me] out to rich fulfillment.

In the New Testament, any passage that refers to believers can be personalized. One of my favorites is Ephesians 2:4-10.

But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved [me],
5 Even when [I was] dead in trespasses, made [me] alive together with Christ (by grace [I] have been saved),
6 And raised [me] up together, and made [me] sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus,
7 That in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward [me] in Christ Jesus.
8 For by grace [I] have been saved through faith, and that not of [myself]; it is the gift of God,
9 not of works, lest anyone should boast.
10 For [I am] His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that [I] should walk in them.

We are not just a number or a name in a book to God. He knows us intimately and individually. Reading His word as His personal message may help us grasp that.