Yesterday my brother would have turned 40. Instead, fourteen years ago today, Jeff died at age twenty-six after a cardiac arrest. He was in the hospital for three days while we waited for God to perform a miracle that never came. Instead God chose to come alongside us, and save the healing for heaven.
I have a hard time trying to imagine him at 40. Fourteen is a lot easier. He was fourteen when my sister was born. I was eighteen then.
We shared a childhood, something that connected us in a unique way. I have a character in an upcoming book dealing with the loss of his brother and I put my words in his mouth. “I feel like I’ve lost some of my childhood,” he said. It’s a unique aloneness.
My brother was far from perfect, (aren’t we all) but I catch glimpses of him in my son’s sense of humor, and love of video games and all things Star Wars and Godzilla.
I think of him in the mornings when I take that pill to correct the arrhythmia we discovered not long after my fortieth birthday. Because of him, we knew to check for it.
I remember him when I write my son’s name. Alan’s middle name is Jeffrey.
Certain songs, movies, even cartoons and comic books characters will trigger a flash of remembrance.
Every year, on September 21 and 22, those memories of my brother are a little stronger, but with a little extra sting.
Paula says
Thanks Debbie.
Debbie says
Wow, Paula, I am so sorry to hear this. You never get over that kind of loss. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and memories of him. You'll be in my prayers, too.
Lauren says
I'll be praying for you especially during this time. There's not really anything that can be said and still sound sincere when you lose a loved one. So I'll be praying for you and your family.